Entry: 24th: empty Feb 28, 2008



Mikhail just turn 5 mth last sunday (24/2). initial plan to intro him to solid food was when he turn 6mth, but i think base on his behaviour, his ready....hari tu tah cemana tergerak hati nak bagi mika minum air guna cawan and dia pegang kuat cawan tu nak masuk mulut (well nowadays he put everything he found into his cute mouth)...and takut air tumpah, i took plastic spoon to feed him the water. and nampak mcm bes je kalau imagine dia tgh mkn real food....still wondering what will be his first food.....nak bagi bubur nasi? or rice cereal? well i just cant wait to cook for him =D

and he is very lasak skarang....dah tak nangis bile bagi baring (kalau dah penat sgt golek2, dia bising gak la)...punye la dia golek2 jauh pegi....and he can angkat tinggi both his head and leg at the same time, trying to get up....and mulut bising MasyaALLAH, bes dengar.....
he recognize ppl that he meet everyday and he greet them with his cute smile or with his cute baby talk....tp kalau dgn certain ppl yg dia rase mcm dia tak boleh nak ngam, nangis pulak....dah pandai pilih org pulak budak kecik ni...yang penting he knows me is his mommy =)

syukur alhamdulillah i manage to breastfeed him up till now....kalau diizinkan ALLAH, nak sampai setahun.....byk cabaran rupenya breastfeed ni....now that mikhail bigger, dia jadi a bit cerewet....i'm not allowed to talk coz if i start talking, he'll be very bising....and kalau dia dgr suara2 lain pun dia bising marah jugak....and kadang2 nak main2 or look around.....susah sket nak susukan dia kalau mcm tu.....bzbody betul....  

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work wise everything ok la so far......will be going to Penang this march....so i'm taking mikhail and my mother along...then later my dad will drive up there pick us up then head up to Tok's hse....Tok pun tak pernah jumpe Mikhail lagi....

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i'm missing my single life sometimes (don take it wrong, i dont regret gotten marry at early age...there's a pros and cons there)....to see frens who got to accomplish their dreams (we are not able to fulfill some dreams due to commitment, arent we?)...a bit of envy there....and to feel envy to other lovey dovey married couple has triggered an empty space inside of me....

i ask myself: am i happy? do i feel complete? what exactly i want out of this marriage, life? and the truth is i'm scared of the answers...why do i feel this way? am i too demanding? why do i settle when i get treat like that? is love enough to sustain a relationship? well does the great love i tot i have still exist?

i think i'm being stoopid for letting such thing happened (in the name of love konon)
now my love, my commitment, my life i dedicate it for my beloved son. however there's still an empty space that need to be fill by the love of a ....... (kalau mulut kata i love you but the action is totally the opposite, can i trust that?)

God, give me strength

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